omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
