The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
