the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
