Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
