your parents love me but you hate me
high people should be assigned attendants
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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