Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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