The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
