Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
