U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
