even my farts smell like vagina
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
