I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
