oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
