I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
