What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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