o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
