if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
