The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
