sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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