you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just forgot I was standing up.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
