you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
