Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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