Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I queefed so loud it echoed.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
