i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
