Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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