The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I had to cum in my sink.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
