We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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