i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
