i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
