you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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