im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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