i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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