If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
