Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
