really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
