I wish my penis had an off switch
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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