I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How naked do you want me to be?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
