I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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