Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
