Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
