Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It was confusing and full of hummus
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
