Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
