this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
