i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
