Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
