Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
ugly people sure do ruin things
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
