I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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