he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
