just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
