The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
