I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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