I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
