i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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